


Looking For a Label

by DekuPrince



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aromantic Gon, Other, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 13:06:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4788305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DekuPrince/pseuds/DekuPrince
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gon feels that there’s still something more to be had between Killua and himself, past best friends. He’s not exactly sure what that ‘something’ is, but that won’t stop him from trying to get what he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking For a Label

**Author's Note:**

  * For [@grubtier on tumblr](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=%40grubtier+on+tumblr).



> Written for tumblr's HxH Summer Exchange, though it seems the file I uploaded there was the unedited one, haha...

Introspection isn’t something that Gon has familiarized himself with. Once upon a time he had hurt a friend with his selfishness. For that he had had to dig deep inside himself to understand his part in the situation. Understand what he did wrong and learn exactly what he had to apologize for. When Gon looks at himself it’s for other’s benefit, not his own.  
  


Gon’s knowledge of himself is inherent. He’s long since turned a deaf ear to what society says he should or shouldn’t feel, or how he should think, or even what’s considered 'normal’ or not. Something made infinitely easier by being so far removed from it on Whale Island. What Gon feels is normal because they’re his feelings. He is who he is, so he’s never felt broken, or out of place.  
  


He remembers wondering, when he was younger, what it would feel like to fall in love. As a child, and young teenager, Gon had been curious about meeting someone who would make him feel so charmed, but when that time never came he wasn’t upset.  
  


Gon accepted that it’s just how he is, he sees no reason to mourn something he’ll never know, and moved on with that realization. Gon’s lack of romantic interest has come up in several different conversations, the most notable being when he offhandedly mentioned it to Kurapika.  
  


'Aromantic’. That was the word Kurapika had supplied him with. After they gave the definition of the word Gon had nodded, agreed.  
  


“That’s exactly how I feel,” he’d said. Gon had felt that was all there was to say on the matter, turning the conversation to something more interesting, like asking Kurapika what the chain for their ring finger did.  
  


The thing was he hadn’t _needed_ the word. It seemed more relevent to other people than to him. Like when Leorio joked often about crushes Gon must be harboring, and Gon had told him he didn’t get them, and that he never would.   
  


Leorio hadn’t understood that simple explination at all, so with a slight exasperation Gon had used the word Kurapika gave him, aromantic, and only then had Leorio understood. He’d seemed shocked, but at least he’d known what the word meant. Some people Gon had told were still confused, no matter what he said.  
  


Gon thinks it’s his aromanticism that has him so confused in his current situation.  
  


Distracted as he is, Gon barely dodges Killua’s jab. A jab that turns out to actually be a _feint_. Trying to dodge the attack only has him stepping right into Killua’s awaiting foot where it was planted in his blind spot. Because of that Gon falls sprawling onto the ground with no time to catch himself.  
  


His landing is rough, rough enough his breath is forced from his chest, leaving him to gasp lightly until he can refill his lungs.  
  


“I was about to say you wouldn’t be losing like this if your head wasn’t up in the clouds, but, really, this is me you’re fighting, it wouldn’t matter.” Killua rolls his weight onto one leg, cocking out a hip to rest a hand on.  
  


“Killua is so full of himself,” Gon grumbles breathlessly, wincing as he sits up. He reaches a hand, palm up, towards Killua.   
  


Killua rolls his eyes, taking Gon’s hand and pulling him to his feet. His cocky grin falls into a smirk when he notices Gon’s frustrated scowl.  
  


“Pay attention to our fight then, idiot. Knock me down a few pegs.” Killua flicks Gon in the middle of his forehead, hooting with amusement at how easily he’s able to goad Gon back into sparring with him.  
  


Gon’s problem wasn’t losing (it was a small part of it, he is competitive, and he can beat Killua, really!) so much as Killua is right.  
  


Gon is distracted.  
  


Hugely.  
  


Practicing with Killua has started to feel oddly intimate; spars filled with adrenaline and gasping breaths, not to mention the absolute trust involved that Killua won’t cause irreparable harm, even though he could, if he wanted to.  
  


Killua executes an unnecessarily flashy maneuver, contorting in a way that shows off his superior flexibility to get under one of Gon’s kicks “Ha!” Killua exclaims, grabbing Gon’s leg and throwing him with his own momentum.  
  


This time Gon rolls when he hits the ground and tries to find his feet again, but Killua pounces on him before he gets the chance.  
  


They end up trying to tangle each other with limbs, scuffling desperately as they roll over and over, trading places with who’s on top and who’s pressed into the disinfectant-smelling mats of the gym.  
  


In the end they both end up on their sides, muscles locked and straining, faces close enough that Gon can only see Killua’s eyes. From this angle, he thinks he can see Killua staring at his mouth. The idea of such a thing combined with the shaky exhale he feels against his neck has Gon freezing.  
  


That lapse in attention is more than enough for Killua to triumphantly roll Gon onto his stomach, winning himself the pin. And, Gon suspects, hiding the blush he probably has on his face.  
  


“Where’s that obnoxious focus of yours at?”  
  


“Killua!” Gon whines. The way Killua has his arms pinned stops him from struggling too much. If he does his right shoulder is definitely going to dislocate.  
  


“Say I’m the best and I _might_ let you up.” Smugness oozes between each of Killua’s syllables.   
  


Gon grits his teeth stubbornly.  
  


After several long minutes of silence, and Gon straining to find a way out of Killua’s hold, Killua laughs, pushing at Gon’s arm and inching it closer towards dislocation.  
  


“Killua is the best – at being mean!” Gon barks out, grinding his temple into the mats and holding his breath in preparation for his arm to slide out of socket. Instead, Killua snickers and lets go of Gon, rolling off of him.  
  


“Don’t you forget it.” Gon catches Killua’s teasing smile and finds himself fixating on it. It’s only when Killua’s expression turns critical, smile waning, that Gon hastily finds his feet.  
  


It’s in moments like these that Gon wants…something, with Killua. A foreign, growing hesitation always crops up in his chest that stops him for asking for it.  
  


Whatevre 'it' is.  
  


When they walk anywhere together, for any length of time, Gon prays that Killua will adopt his usual air of nonchalance by placing his hands into his pockets. If he doesn’t, Gon becomes hyper aware of the empty hand closest to him, and his fingers twitch for how bad he wants to hold Killua’s hand.  
  


When they sit on the couch, or share a bed briefly to watch the TV together in hotels, they’re never as close as Gon wants them to be. When it’s time for bed Gon always laments Killua moving across the room to his own mattress, and it makes Gon long for when they get to camp outside. That way Gon can put their sleeping bags as close together as possible, side by side.  
  


Even when Killua is away with Alluka, and their contact is restricted to sparse, short phone calls, Gon always stalls before hanging up. Words get caught in his throat, clunky, unsure if they’ll give the wrong impression.  
  


(I love you, Killua. Talk to you soon.)  
  


Killua’s mouth is distracting sometimes, too. Gon misses what he says more often than not if he’s been eating hard candies, lips dyed a distracting pink or red. Even when Killua isn’t talking Gon catches himself staring.  
  


For once Gon wishes he had paid more attention to things about himself growing up. Had asked more questions about labels so that maybe he’d have some idea for what he’s feeling.  
  


Gon almost lands a hit on Killua, knuckles grazing his ribs with enough force Killua sucks in a quiet breath. From then on Killua gains more and more of Gon’s attention. It dulls the entire world around them, reducing it to a blur until the only thing that exists is Killua and himself.  
  


—  
  


“You really think you can cook this stuff without burning the whole place down?” Killua looks doubtfully into the single bag he’s carried out from the grocer, squinting past the plastic and at the fish inside.   
  


It’d taken Gon _forever_ to pick one out, his eye for sea food from growing up on Whale Island making him hard to please.  
  


“I’ve cooked for us loads of times before!” Gon’s cheeks puff up childishly for Killua’s lack of faith in him.  
  


“Yeah, well, if you pay as much attention to the cooking as you did to us today at the gym, then we’re going to end up eating charcoal.”  
  


“I beat you four times.” Gon tries to ignore Killua’s empty hand, and is glad that having his own hands full at the moment makes it much easier than normal. He hefts the bag of groceries hard enough to jostle the contents, sighing when the box of ChocoRobos is no longer cutting into his sternum.  
  


“And I beat you three times as much. Maybe you’re just starting to suck though? Hanging around your old man too much.”  
  


“That doesn’t make any sense, Killua. Last time you two fought he beat you pretty fast…” Killua bristles, sputters wordlessly, then stomps several paces ahead, leaving Gon alone as he laughs.  
  


His attention is caught again by Killua’s hand, and given Killua’s back is to him now, he can more openly consider it. Holding Killua’s hand really would be okay, wouldn’t it? Gon has always been tactile with his friends, and Killua is Gon’s best friend.   
  


He hugs the grocery bag a little closer to his chest. Killua’s life has been severely lacking in kind, loving touches, Gon knows. And holding hands is nice.  
  


Gon bases everything he does off of gut feelings and past experiences. He feels confident that if – when? – he decides to hold Killua’s hand, Killua won’t flinch away.  
  


Gon lengthens his shorter strides until he can become level with Killua again, face thoughtful and mind elsewhere. He sighs out his nose, completely oblivious to the calculating look Killua gives him out of the corner of his eye.  
  


—  
  


They get back to the hotel without further incident, laughing and trying to trip each other the entire way from the elevator, down the hall, and to the door.  
  


“Here, hold this for a second.” Gon steps up to Killua, leaning his bag against Killua’s chest to try and get him to hold it, only for Killua to take a step back. “Killua, I need to get the key!”  
  


“Which pocket is it in?”  
  


“My right one. Killua, it doesn’t matter if – ” Gon’s words die off and he goes stock still when Killua easily slips his hand into Gon’s pocket to pull the key card out. It’s barely an intrusion, Gon now holding the opinion that Killua could be an _amazing_ pickpocket, he’s just startled that Killua would do it rather than hold the bag a few seconds.  
  


“Come on, Gon, I’m hungry, make me some fish.” Killua is already stepping through the door, impatiently holding it open by his outstretched fingertips.  
  


Gon follows after him slowly. That had been flirting, hadn’t it? Killua catches Gon’s confused look and responds with an innocent expression.  
  


Right. Probably flirting.  
  


“Killua.” Gon sets the grocery bag onto the small island in the even smaller kitchen, digging inside until he finds the chocolate. He turns to find Killua practically on top of him, hand held out to get his prize.  
  


“What’s up?” He plucks the box out of Gon’s hand, hopping up onto the counter so that his knee bumps Gon’s arm.  
  


“You know how I told you once that I don’t like people as boyfriends, and things like that?” Gon rubs the back of his neck nervously, watching Killua pause, mouth open and chocolate poised in front of it. Reluctantly, Killua returns the chocolate to the box in favor of speaking.  
  


“That you’re aromantic? I remember. It’s hard to forget something important like that.”  
  


“Aromantic, yeah.” Whenever the word is used Gon thinks of Kurapika, and wishes not for the first time that Kurapika was better at answering their phone. They seem knowledgeable about lots of different things like sexuality and gender.  
  


A product of the accepting and explorative attitude the Kurta society presumably had. Maybe Kurapika knew the word for what Gon is feeling this time, too, if only they’d answer their –  
  


“Did you find someone who changed your mind about it or something?” Killua is frowning now, like the idea isn’t one likes much.  
  


That makes Gon frown, too.  
  


“No. At least, not really? I don’t think so.” Killua stays silent, no doubt waiting for Gon to make more sense. When the silence stretches on and Gon still can’t find the words to go on Killua becomes visibly more tense.  
  


“'Not really’?” Killua prompts.  
  


“Sorry, I don’t know how to say it.” Gon smiles sheepishly.  
  


“Talking without thinking first is your specialty. Maybe you’re just thinking too hard about it.” Killua turns his attention momentarily back to his chocolate, tilting the ChocoRobo box back so that he can eat several pieces at once.  
  


“I know! I know, but…” Gon crosses his arms over his chest, turning around so he can lean against the counter’s edge. Looking at the floor rather than at Killua’s face made thinking a little easier.  
  


“Before, I was really sure that Killua was my best friend. That’s why I feel so special with you, and it explained why you’re so special to me. We were so close when we were younger, and then even after the rough patch we’ve still been good together. For each other, you know? That’s right?”  
  


“R-right. Look, Gon, if this is about me being more uh. Touchy. Than usual, I’m sorry, I can stop – ”  
  


“What?” Gon turns sharply to look at Killua, who stubbornly looks away so their eyes can’t meet. He starts to nervously bounce his leg.  
  


“You heard me! I thought you were, you know, flirting back with me or something. Recently. The way you stare at me, and – ”  
  


“I think I have been,” Gon cuts in again. “But you didn’t let me finish! I think I want to do things with you that everyone says you don’t do with friends.” Killua chokes, legs jerking so that his heels slam loudly against the side of the island.  
  


“Saying it so plainly,” Killua hisses. “So what you’re asking about is you want to be, what. F-friends with benefits?”  
  


“If that was it I would have just told you from the start, I know that phrase and concept. That isn’t it.” Killua turns thoughtful.  
  


“Alright. What kinda 'things’, then?” Killua’s voice is a little strained, and he reaches up to itch the side of his face. “Like. Kissing?”  
  


“I don’t think you’re getting it. I mean! If that’s what you’re okay with. Anything Killua is okay with, but it’s not _just_ about those kind of things.”  
  


“I – okay. There’s more to what you want than physical. Things.” Killua looks at Gon, face a solid pink and inching steadily towards red. “So…”  
  


Killua nervously licks his lips and clears his throat, starting again. “So, you want us to be in a place between friends and boyfriends? With things like cuddling and holding hands?”  
  


“Right!” Gon all but shouts it, face elated as he whirls away from the counter to stand between Killua’s legs, hands excitedly grabbing at Killua’s knees. “Ah, I really want that with Killua! It’s been driving me crazy, you know? I didn’t know how to explain it without seeming like I was asking you out.  
  


"Oh, but. Killua, is that something you want, too?”  
  


“It’s something I’ve thought about,” Killua says offhandedly. Old habits die hard, and even though Gon has laid the entirety of his hand down Killua still finds himself reluctant to be emotionally vulnerable himself. He’s silent for a few moments longer, causing Gon to lean in with anticipation, until, finally. “I want it.”  
  


“And you’re okay if we’re not boyfriends? That doesn’t bother you?”  
  


“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.” Killua grins shyly, then, squeezing Gon’s waist with his knees. “You’re my best friend, and we’re on the same page. I think we’ve been on the same page for awhile but we’re both idiots.”  
  


“Seems so.”  
  


“But you’re the bigger idiot.”  
  


“I was the one who brought it up! If it was up to you we’d have both been stupid about it forever!”  
  


Killua opens his mouth incredulously, no doubt preparing a snippy and semi-believable lie, but just huffs loudly when Gon’s phone goes off.  
  


“Oh, that might be Leorio. I asked when he’d be free so we could go meet him at the hospital on his break.” Gon reaches into his back pocket, making a surprised noise when he sees it’s not from Leorio at all.  
  


“It’s from Kurapika." At Killua's interested expression Gon says, "I’ll read it out loud:  
  


”'Sorry that I’m replying to this so late, Gon. I know you don’t ask things like this often. What you’re describing in your messages is an existing relationship type, yes. The Kurta had a different word for it, but in the common language people seemed to have coined the term 'queerplatonic’ or 'quasiplatonic’. You should search it on the web to see – “ Gon stops in the middle of reading with a frustrated groan.   
  


"Killua…”  
  


“I know, Gon.” Gon leans forward and into Killua’s chest, letting out truly mirthful laughter.   
  


“Kurapika has awful timing, Killua!”  
  



End file.
